


Being Me and Who You Call Me to Be

by Twentyonepoems



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Friendship, M/M, Mistakes, Regrets, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, heartbreaks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-10-11 22:52:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10476330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twentyonepoems/pseuds/Twentyonepoems
Summary: Josh Dun is the outcast at Worthington High. The new kid, Tyler Joseph, instantly becomes popular. The popular kids try to get Tyler to hang out with them, but Tyler has other plans...





	1. See a Man Free

The high pitched scream of Josh’s alarm clock woke him up. He rolls over in his small twin sized bed and hit the clock. His little brother Jordan comes bounding into his room, a beaming grin plastered on his face. “Wake up Josh! It’s the first day of school!” He runs to Josh’s side and shakes him gently, being cautious because the last time he did Josh “accidentally” kicked him in the stomach. Josh grunts and forces his eyes open. They burn with fatigue as he rubs them with his hands. He sits up in his bed to see Jordan eyeing him carefully. “Are you okay Josh? You look really tired,” Jordan says upon further inspection of Josh’s face. Josh sighs at the comment and replies with a false “Yeah I’m fine. Go downstairs and eat breakfast.” Jordan left Josh’s side and practically tumbled down the stairs in enthusiasm. Josh dreads school, especially the first day. He doesn’t have any friends in school this year. His only friend, Dallon, got a scholarship to a fancy school in Indiana for being a science genius. Josh feels suffocated whenever he entered that placid building. It’s perfect steel gray bricks are everything but imaginative. It’s practically a prison.

 %

After staring at his teal wall for ten minutes contemplating whether or not to pretend to be sick, or to climb out of his window and flee Ohio, or to “accidentally” break his leg, he gets out of bed. He grabs a basic gray t-shirt and black skinny jeans, along with a towel as he heads to the bathroom to take a shower. “Joshua you better make your bed or else!” His mother yells from downstairs, stopping Josh in his tracks. He returns to his room and slovenly makes up his bed. He perks up in rage as he hears the bathroom door close and ran toward it. Banging his fist on the door (mostly for dramatic effect) Josh yells, “Ashley you better get out of there in five minutes or so help me god you will be dead in a dumpster by the end of the da-”

“JOSHUA WILLIAM DUN COME DOWN HERE AT ONCE!” Josh froze in fear, hearing that specific tone his mother uses when she _isn’t_ playing games. He sneaks down the stairs and is greeted by his mother’s face, her eyebrows in an obtuse triangle V, her lips waiting to burst like a firecracker. “Don’t you dare speak to your sister like that? Do you understand!?”

“Yes momma,” Josh replies quickly to mask an approaching yawn. His mother scans his face and all of a sudden becomes sympathetic, “Are you okay sweetie? You look really tired.”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” Josh replies, his focus on how he was going to make it to school on time.

“I tell you what, why don’t you take my car to school? I don’t have anything to do today, just take care of Abbie and make dinner. You can even get some ice cream after school, okay? I know how hard it must be... going to school without Dallon.” Dallon and Josh had a first day of school tradition they have been doing since the seventh grade. They would both make a breakfast, put it in a bag, and then trade and eat as they walked to school. It made school a little more tolerable to know that he could start the year off with something he loved to do. His mother was really trying her best so he said “Yeah thanks, momma!” in his most over the top bursting with excitement, going to go to the top of a mountain and scream with sheer joy voice. He wasn’t actually feeling this way, though. He was feeling like swimming to the bottom of the ocean. Well, not swimming. More like drowning.

“Oh and don’t forget to take your sister.” his mother added. Josh sighed as he climbed the stairs two at a time to get to the shower. Ashley and Josh were exact opposites. Ashley was a cheerleader. She was the epitome of an all-American teenage girl in high school. Josh waited outside the bathroom impatiently. Ashley opened the door, finally emerging from the bathroom. A cloud of floral perfume followed her out. “I’m driving you to school today,” Josh said as he pushed past her into the bathroom. He shut the door before she could respond.

“Great now I’m going to die before my first day of sophomore year!” She replied in a snide manner. Josh got into the shower. Of course, there wasn’t any hot water left (just his luck.) He didn’t have time to attempt to dry his hair, so he just left it as is. His bubblegum pink hair started to fade. Dallon helped him dye it before he left for Indiana. He grabbed his backpack and ran down the stairs and out the door. Ashley was waiting in the passenger’s seat. She was touching up her lip gloss. Josh opened the door and saw the keys in the ignition. He turned them and started the car up. “What time is it?” He asked Ashley, as he adjusted his mirrors. She didn’t reply. He checked his phone. It read 7:54. Below it was a text message from Dallon. _Good luck today :)._ Josh just scoffed and turned his phone off. He was still kind of mad at Dallon for leaving him. Yes, it was a great opportunity, but Dallon was doing perfectly fine at Worthington High.

 %

Ashley and Josh sat in the car in silence for the ride, the low hum of the engine the only thing keeping both of them sane. Josh pulls up to a parking space and almost nicks a car. “Wow at least try to park properly Josh. You’re gonna get Mom sued.” Ashley scoffs.

“Mom’s not going to get sued, Ash,” Josh replies. He gets out of the car, dragging his backpack along. As soon as Ashley exits the vehicle, there is a girly screech of joy. A screech comparable to a baby laughing at something its father is doing. A screech comparable to a vulture finding food. A screech comparable to one of a family member finding their son covered in blood lying in a bathtub. _No stop it, Josh. Don’t think that. Just go insi-._ “Did you hear about the new kid? He’s a junior and so hot. He’s super good at basketball and apparently, he’s gonna try out for the team this year. Brendon told me.” Ashley’s friend, Sarah, links arms with Ashley as they walk toward the school. Josh listens in at a respectable distance. “Jenna’s been getting pretty close to him… If you know what I mean.”

“Ew, okay Sarah. I didn’t need to know that.” Ashley says dismissing the topic. They soon walk away from Josh. It’s just him and the school. The school and him. Two things that don’t belong together, like pickles and chocolate ice cream, or the sun and lightning. Josh walked in reluctant to make any conversation. He avoided every person who hugged, laughed, or smiled. Now Josh isn’t someone who is against happiness or anything like that. It’s kind of hard to be happy when everything that made you happy is taken away from you. It’s hard to happy when your happiness is taken away from you. Now it’s definitely possible to be happy again, Josh just has to find something that can start that up for him. He gets to his locker and opens it with ease. He shoves his used books into the metal death trap. He slams it harder than needed. He likes the sound of metal on metal, for to him it was music to his ears. Josh turns on the heels of his feet and starts to head the other way when a voice behind him says  “Um, excuse me… I don’t mean to disturb you but I was wondering if you could help me open my locker. I’m having some trouble.” Now, this voice isn’t just a voice. It is the sound of creamy butter on a blunt knife scraping against overdone toast. It is the sound of an unknown stream flowing in the middle of nowhere. It is the sound of a plane landing safely after a 12-hour flight. It is the sound of a delicate flower blooming. It is the sound of everything that can be crushed and everything that can crush anything. It is the sound of beauty. Josh turns around to find a slender boy dressed in floral Vans with gray socks, black skinny jeans, a light blue t-shirt, with a black Adidas jacket over it. He also has a rubber band on his left wrist peeking out of his jacket. _That’s weird… what is it even for?_ He is a few inches taller than Josh. When Josh finally looks up at his face, his eyes are drawn magnetically to the other boy’s eyes. They are hypnotic, but not in a bad way. They ease the anger Josh was feeling this morning. They are the color of bark on trees. They are the color of sweet maple syrup glazing a pancake. They are the color of a swallow in the winter. They are the color of a paper bag. “Um.. so can you help me?” The boy asks again shyly, knocking Josh out of his trance. Josh starts to blush and mutters a small “sorry.” _Why am I blushing? Oh man, I hope this kid doesn’t think I’m weird. That’s the last thing I need right now._ “Um, yeah sure. What’s your combo?”

After fiddling with the lock for a second, Josh looks up to see relief wash over the boy’s face. “God, thank you so much. I thought I’d never get the darn thing open.” Tyler started to put his stuff in his locker, “I’m Tyler by the way. I’m new. I just transferred here from- Sorry I’m babbling… Okay, um, well, bye.” Tyler turned around and quickly started to walk away. Josh couldn’t help but be intrigued by Tyler. Tyler didn’t see Josh as some horrifying outcast with no friends, like some of Ashley’s friends do. Tyler is different, but just like the rest. He actually started a conversation with him. He seemed to actually care about what Josh had to sa-. Tyler was walking back toward him. “Hey, um, sorry to bother you again but… do you know where Room C234 is?” Tyler looks down at him directly into his eyes. Sunshine from Tyler’s eyes gleams into Josh and for the first time in two months, Josh feels warm. For the first time in two months, Josh felt okay. “Yeah, that’s actually where I’m headed right now. I’ll walk with you.” The two start to walk to their first class. “Oh, I’m Josh by the way.”


	2. Take Me off your Winner's Shelf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry this took so long. I had a busy weekend. Enjoy!! The title is from New York Soul part ii by Jon Bellion!! I totally recommend listening to it. Also, thank you guys so much for the kind feedback! I have a really good plan for the plot with this story, and I'm looking forward to writing it all. I'm going to try to update this at LEAST once a week.

The two boys make their way to homeroom, Josh walks slightly in front of Tyler leading the way. Tyler had only been to the school twice, once to visit it last year before transferring, and to register for classes.

  
%

  
It was late August, and Tyler was wearing red basketball shorts from his previous team and a gray sweater with a white t-shirt underneath. He was lackadaisical as he followed his mother into the school. Being dragged out of bed at 7 am on a Saturday didn’t exactly excite Tyler. Once the two got to the counsellor's office, Tyler’s mother turned to him “Sit out here sweetie, okay?” She motioned to a chair next to the closed door, “I’ll only be a minute.” Tyler took a seat as his mother entered the room. He regretted not bringing his phone with him. His mother was rushing him today, and he didn’t even have a chance to eat some breakfast. Tyler twiddled his thumbs for several minutes to keep him occupied. He soon got bored and started to wander the hallways. The lack of posters made Tyler even more bored than he was before.

He walked down the long main hallway until he was frightened by a loud crash coming from the floor above him. He climbed the stairs two at a time to find a boy that was a little shorter than he sprawled out on the ground with a trash can laid out beside him. Two girls were covering their mouths with their hands, giggling at what just happened. One of them looked up at him. She had short blond hair that was put up into a messy ponytail that contrasted with her newly tanned summer skin. She smiled at him, showing perfectly little white teeth. “Oh hey sorry to disturb you,” She said. Tyler was surprised at how low her voice was. It wasn’t like a masculine low. No, it was more slow, like molasses dripping from a spoon or trying to thread a needle. Before Tyler had a chance to answer her, the boy on the floor got up and dusted himself off. “Fuck that hurt so much.” The other girl ran to his side and picked up the trash can. He turned a slight shade of red. “Oh hey man, didn’t see you there. Um.. Who are you?” Tyler felt all eyes on him. This was his chance to actually make friends, so he better not mess this up. “Um, I’m Tyler. I’m new here.” He responded shyly.  
“Cool, I’m Brendon. This is Ashley,” He said motioning to the girl with brown hair to his side. She had short blue hair. “Oh and that’s Jenna. Hey, why don’t you hang with us? You seem pretty chill. We were gonna go to Blueberry and get some breakfast anyways.”  
“Bl-blueberry?” Tyler asked, bemused.  
“Oh, it’s a cafe near the school. They have the best blueberry pancakes ever.” Jenna spoke up, moving away from the corner and toward Tyler.  
“I have to ask my mom, she’s downstairs,” Tyler said, staying in place. An awkward five seconds of silence washed over all of them.  
“Well go then!” Ashley said, shooing him down the stairs. Tyler laughed as he turned around and started to walk down the stairs and to the room his mother disappeared into fifteen minutes earlier.

Right as he got to the door his mother appeared on the other side. “Oh hi sweetie, sorry it took so long. Ready to go?”  
“Um, I met some kids and they wanted to know if I wanted to get breakfast with them,” Tyler said awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand.”  
“Oh of course honey! Just be home before 10.”  
“I don’t think I’ll be out that long mom, but thanks.” He said as he turned away. Tyler started to walk to the stairs just as Brendon, Ashley, and Jenna were walking down the stairs and laughing. “Oh, there you are! Come on!” Jenna linked arms with Tyler as she lead him out the door. Tyler’s mother gave him a reassuring smile. Ashley got into the driver’s seat and Jenna the passenger's. Brendon and Tyler got the back seats. “I, um, like your car Ashley.” Tyler tried to strike up a conversation, but it was quickly shot down with a “Thanks, it’s new.” Ashley pulled out of the school parking lot and started to drive. Jenna reached for the radio and started playing some Ed Sheeran. “Ugh not this pop shit, Jenna put something on that has substance please!” Brendon groaned and covered his ears dramatically.  
“Wow, Brendon such a drama queen,” Jenna asked, playfully. She changed the music to some Billy Joel, that made Brendon instantly perk up.  
“Um, do you think we could stop by my house? I forgot my phone.” Tyler said.  
“Yeah sure, where do you live?” Ashley asked.  
“On the corner of Ashton and Sundale” Tyler replied.  
“Oh cool, that’s where Ashley lives. The other Ashley I mean. Ashley Dun, she’s pretty cool.” Ashley said. They pulled up to Tyler’s house and he ran into it. The rest of the day was filled with Ashley and Jenna annoying Brendon with crappy music and going to Walgreens and making fun of everything in the “as seen on tv” section. Tyler felt like he made some real connections and friends that would last a long time.

%

That was until he met Josh. Josh was different. He didn’t seem overly nice, but still kind. He didn’t play his personality up like most people do when they meet someone new. People put forth the best version of himself or herself, but not the real version. Josh did. “I like your hair,” Tyler says from behind Josh, just loud enough for him to hear.  
“Thanks, man. It’s fading so I have to redye it soon but I don’t know what color.” Josh replies a slight smile appears on his face.  
“Yous should dye it yellow,” Tyler says without thinking. He almost regrets saying it before Josh replies with “Oh dude that would be so sick!” Tyler laughs a little at Josh’s enthusiasm as they walk into the door. “Oh you probably don’t know anybody so let’s just sit near the window.” Just say Josh says those words, Brendon and Pete walk toward them, “Oh don’t talk to those guys, they are really mean. Let’s g-” Josh was stopped in his tracks by Brendon walking up to Tyler and putting his arm around Tyler’s shoulder.  
“Hey Tyler, what’s up man?” Brendon stares at Tyler. Tyler stares frantically at Josh, trying to search for what he might be thinking. Josh seems like a good friend and if he thinks these guys are bad then maybe they are. “I-I’m okay,” Tyler replies timidly.  
“Joshie Bear here isn’t bothering you, is he?” Brendon asks assertively. Before Tyler could speak up Josh interrupts him. “Oh go fuck yourself, Brendon.” Josh walks away, leaving Tyler behind. Tyler is shocked at Josh's behavior. Tyler wants to go with him but is afraid of what Brendon could do to him. Josh seems like someone who can take care of himself and put people into their place when needed with ease. If Brendon ticked him off, he didn’t seem like good news.

  
“Come on let’s sit down,” Brendon says while leading Tyler to a seat near him. “This is Sarah, my girlfriend, and that’s Pete.” Brendon motions to his friends as he sits. Tyler sits beside him, but can only think of Josh. He turns his head slightly to get a glimpse of the pink-haired boy in the back row. His head is on his desk and his hands are in his hair, pulling and twirling the wet strands. Tyler can only imagine what his hair looks like when it’s dry. _Man, I bet it’s so fluffy. Wait don’t think that. That’s weird._  
His thoughts are interrupted by a teacher named Mrs. Vanderwaal walks into the class. She greets the students and takes attendance, and then passes out one of those overviews of what the class is going to be like. Basic First-day-of-school stuff. Tyler doesn’t concentrate on anything else in the class, only the boy behind him staring at him.


	3. Twisted Tongues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter deals with brief mentions of self harm, and a description of what having a panic attack is like. It also says "If you don't mean something to someone, are you really anything?" and I'm telling you that you do.

Josh has been avoiding Tyler for two weeks now, which wasn’t easy considering they were both in the same homeroom, music, and physics classes. Josh doesn’t really know why he’s avoiding him. Maybe because he found someone he really thought he could be friends with, only to find out he’s a douche just like the other kids who tease him. Josh is mad at himself for getting his hopes up.

%

It’s the weekend and Josh sets out with a list of errands to run for his mom. “Well sweetie I’d rather have you go grocery shopping for me than play on that phone of yours,” she said handing the list to him. Josh gets into the car and stares at the list.

  1. Pick up dry cleaning
  2. Get more yarn from the craft store
  3. Pick up prescription
  4. Go grocery shopping



 

He decides to ditch the first three things and go grocery shopping. He figures if he does the most urgent one his mother won’t be as mad. He starts the car and drives to the closest Target. His mother doesn’t usually shop at Target (especially when they are trying to spend money sparingly) but he figures buying name brand things for once would be a good way to make his mom happy. He pulls into the parking lot and gets out of the car. Josh grabs a basket and starts walking around the store. He finds himself wandering into the beauty aisle and in front of the nail polish. Josh has always been intrigued by nail polish. He dyes his hair and has plans to get tattoos once he’s of age, but painting your nails is different. For him, it’s making your fingertips your own. Your hands are the things that you work with the most. Since Josh plays the drums this was especially true for him. Customizing your fingertips just adds a personal touch to everything you encounter; also the color selection is endless. A sea of matt blues, chunky golden glitter stars, and black abysses. The possibilities are endless. Josh picks up two bottles. One that’s just plain white, and another that’s navy blue. He inspects both bottles and puts a nail under the color sample this below the bottles.

 

“You should get the white one, although any color would look good on you.” Josh almost drops the bottles in shock. He manages to catch them and turns to the source of the voice. Tyler pushes himself off the wall and walks toward Josh. Josh wants to run away. He wants to throw the bottles at his face and push him down. He wants to see someone like _him_ cry for once. Someone who seems invincible. Instead, he lets out a disgruntled “Hey.” He looks down toward the bottles in his hands. Tyler is now standing next to him. “Sorry to sneak up on you,” Tyler awkwardly rubs the back of his neck with his hand.

“I-It’s fine,” Josh replies and finally looks into Tyler’s eyes. His eyes are still mesmerizing. A small smirk creeps onto Tyler’s face. “Which one are you getting? I personally like the white one,” Tyler points at the white bottle in Josh’s hand.

“Um… I’m getting it for my sister,” Josh lies. _Why did I lie? Oh, wait. He’s like the others. He’s gonna call you a freak. He’s going to call you a faggot. Don’t forget._

“You don’t have to lie to me, Josh. I think it’s cool that you paint your nails. I mean you dye your hair so it makes sense.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Josh replies, he tries to sound casual but the fact that Tyler offended him is apparent in his tone.

“Oh, it’s nothing bad. It’s just you really like making things your own. I like that.” Tyler says reassuring Josh that the comment came from admiration of his confidence and not malice.

“Oh, okay,” Josh puts the white nail polish into the basket and the navy blue one back on the shelf. “Well, I have to shop now, so bye.” He begins to turn away when he’s stopped by Tyler’s hand grasping his shoulder.

“Wait, I’ll come with you. I don’t really have anything to do right now, I was just walking around.” Tyler takes his hand off of Josh’s shoulder and shoves his hands into the pockets of his slightly distressed jeans. He starts to blush. He turns the shade of artificial pastel pink icing on a cookie.

“Are you sure? I mean it’s gonna be kind of boring.” Josh stares at the blushing boy and is amused at the image. Tyler seems like such a reserved person and doesn’t have a big personality from what Josh can tell.

“We could always make it fun,” Tyler replies. His face lights up with animation and one eyebrow raises, almost as it’s taunting Josh.

“Yeah okay,” Josh replies, grinning slightly. He’s only letting himself enjoy the company. It might be Tyler but once they go back to school everything will be the same as before. The two walk side by side into the produce section. He puts a carton of milk, eggs and some orange juice into the basket.

“Where did you move to here from?” Josh asks as he scans a wall of bread before deciding on a loaf.

“Indiana, but my parents are from Ohio and I was born here,” Tyler responds, his hands still in the pockets of his jeans. The heathered gray hoodie he has on covers all exposed skin between his wrists. Josh perks up at the mention of Indiana.

“My friend, Dallon, moved to Indiana this year,” Josh says smiling.The smile melts off his face as he remembers that Dallon _moved_ to Indiana. Dallon _moved_ away. He _moved_ on. Josh feels as if he’s only moving backward. He feels his breath getting short as he thinks that Dallon, his one friend who says – said he’d be there for him at all times moved on. Now Josh is alone. He’s spiraling into nothing. The one person who he meant something to is gone. If you don’t mean something to someone are you really anything? Josh’s knees start to buckle as his ears flood with the heavy sound of his heart thumping. His heart pumping blood to every part of his body. He feels the world around him fade away. _Everything’s so blurry. Don’t fight it. You’ll just make it worse. Just let go._

 

Josh starts to close his eyes as two arms grab him and help him down onto the ground. “Josh! Hey, Josh!” The voice is glazed over with the sound of blood rushing in his ears. The powerful oceans of his circulatory system have his undivided attention. “Josh, what’s wrong? Talk to me!” Tyler shakes him gently. Josh’s mind struggles to swim as his mouth hangs open. He wants to say everything. He wants to scream but he can’t even make out “Help.” Josh just stares at Tyler’s frantic face. _Why is he so scared? Oh, wait he has to deal with me freaking ou- BREATHE DON’T FORGET TO BREATH NO STOP BREATHING JUST STOP NO KEEP GOING NO DON’T DO ANYTHING NO SPEAK, SCREAM, CRY, DO SOMETHING! NO DON’T DO ANYTHING, NO STOP. CLOSE YOUR EYES. JUST. GIVE. IN._ Everything is slow when you have a panic attack. Thirty seconds feel like decades. It feels like you’re going nowhere. It’s even worse if you weren’t going anywhere, to begin with.

Josh reaches out and tries grabs Tyler’s hand. He grasps his sleeve and pulls it toward him. He just needs someone to be here for him. Just this once. “Come here,” Tyler pulls Josh closer to him and holds his arm. Tyler then placed two fingers on Josh’s wrist. “Dude your pulse is racing,” He grabs Josh’s other hand and put it on his own wrist. “Here do you feel mine?” Tyler pauses to see Josh shake his head yes. “Just try to match it with yours, Deep breaths, okay? I know this might not help that much but it’s the best I can do.”

 

Josh and Tyler sat in the bread aisle together for another seven minutes, each breath in sync. Both hearts beat together. Josh finally gains some sense of the world around him. He realizes that Tyler is holding his arm and feeling his pulse. He realizes that he’s doing the same to him. He looks at him for a while. Tyler is concentrating on his fingers that are resting delicately on Josh’s wrist. His eyebrows are furrowed together and he’s chewing anxiously on his lip. He looks up to meet Josh’s gaze. The two stare at each other for a while. “Thank you,” Josh finally manages to get out the words.

“No problem,” Tyler smiles shyly. “Um, we should probably get on with shopping, if you want to.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Josh smiles back. The boys are still holding each other, but separate to get up. The lack of physical contact makes Tyler feel cold. Not a bad cold, because he is still with Josh. It’s more like walking out of the house early in the morning and being greeted with a cool breeze: it’s awakening. The two boys pick up the basket and wander out of the bread aisle. For the first time in a long time, Tyler doesn’t feel alone.

“Hey, can you grab that box of cheerios from the top shelf?” Josh asks pointing it out.

“Oh, a short guy like you can’t reach it?” Tyler laughs as he reaches up, the sleeve of his sweater falls down and reveals evenly spaced cuts littered across his arm. Josh stares at them, bemused.

“Tyler, what’s that?” Josh says pointing at his arm. Tyler looks down at him and sees tears welling up in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard to write but I hope you guys liked this long chapter! I got to actually write today because I didn't have to go to school. My car broke down and it's hard to get to school because I live so far away from it. Have a good day:) p.s. the title is from a Misterwives song. They are a great band, check them out!


	4. I Know I'm Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Self harm is mentioned in this. Read at your own risk. Enjoy :) p.s. this is a pretty long chapter (for me) also the title is from the song "Alone" by Alan Walker. It's a real bop.

A hot tear slips down Josh’s face. Tyler can’t stand to look at him. He doesn’t want to see him like this. Especially because Tyler’s the one causing Josh to feel this way. Tyler drops the cereal box on the floor and runs out of the aisle. He runs out of the store. He runs as fast as he can. He runs from Josh. He runs from himself.

  
Tyler finds himself in a forest. The cool September air numbs his skin. He already feels numb. He feels like hiding from everyone forever. He just wants Josh to forget what he saw. He just wants everyone to forget. He wants to forget.

  
Tyler sees a sturdy oak tree. It looms over him. It makes Tyler feel like nothing. It makes him feel something, though. Nothing is something. When you say you feel nothing you are actually feeling something. Tyler feels suffocated by the tree. The tree waves its arms, mocking him. It’s so much stronger than him and sure of itself. It knows who it is. Tyler wishes he knew who he was.

  
He walks toward the tree and drags his finger over its rough bark. He reaches up and grabs a branch. Tyler’s fingers lace together over the branch. He pulls himself up to sit on the branch. He starts to climb. His heart grows lighter with every branch he passes. He’s finally bigger than everyone else. He’s in charge for once. Every single person who has screwed him over in the past can’t reach him.

  
%

  
Tyler runs out of breath and stops climbing. He rests his back on the main trunk of the tree. A large branch hangs between his dangling legs. Nobody can hurt him up here… except for himself. _No, you can’t. You hurt people when you hurt yourself. Why does that make me want to hurt myself more?_ Tyler’s arm itches for contact. It craves something sharp. It craves some kind of release. Tyler needs to let something go. He can’t take it anymore. Everything bottled up inside of him. Nobody knows. Except for Josh now. He just needs to stop thinking. He’s been thinking too much. Tyler is on the brink of crying. His heart physically hurts. Seeing Josh’s eyes. He looked so hurt. The image haunts Tyler. It’s the only thing he can think of. Josh’s eyes are usually so happy. They are usually so soft and understanding. He looked so appalled at Tyler’s scars.

  
It’s too much for Tyler. He can’t do this anymore. He just wants it to end. “I’M SORRY” he yells at the world. The tree starts to sway a little as the wind picks up. Tears stain Tyler’s cheeks. “I’M SORRY THAT I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I’M SORRY THAT I’VE FAILED EVERYONE.” A sob creeps up his throat. He collapses and hugs the tree trunk. Tears slip out of his eyes. He feels so numb. He just wants someone to understand. I guess that’s impossible because he doesn’t fully understand himself.

  
“Tyler?” a far away voice calls. Tyler opens his eyes. He looks down toward the ground. He sees a pink-haired boy through the tears in his eyes. _Maybe if I don’t respond he’ll go away._ Tyler shuts his eyes and slows his breathing. He hopes Josh will go away. He hopes everyone will go away. Maybe if he stays here forever everyone will fade away. Every single thing that makes him feel like shit will dwindle to just himself. Just him and this tree. “Tyler I can see you. I followed you here.” Josh’s tone is very insistent. Two minutes pass in Tyler’s eyes. Just two minutes of silence. He starts to drift to sleep. Everything starts to fade. _This is what you want, remember? Just. let. Go._ Tyler starts to loosen his grip on the tree. He falls. He falls so far in his eyes. All the pain leaves his body. It’s just him and the wind. It’s just him and the ground.

  
In reality, he only falls back and lands in Josh’s lap. His eyes shoot open with the sudden contact of the boy. Tyler’s head rests in Josh’s lap. Their eyes meet. Josh is looking down at Tyler. Josh’s eyes are hard to read for once. It’s especially strange for Tyler to not being able to read Josh. Tyler pretty much knows what everyone is feeling at all times. He’s extremely empathetic.

  
%

  
Tyler’s eyes start to water. A tear slips down his cheek. Josh lifts his hand and wipes it away with the pad of his thumb. Both boys don’t talk. They just enjoy each other’s company. Tyler’s head remains in Josh’s lap. Tyler watches as Josh watches the sunset. His eyes reflect the marvelous creamsicle orange, lemonade yellow, and lilac swirls. For once, everything feels okay. Well, not okay. But it’s a start. The tip of Josh’s tongue peeks lazily out of his smiling mouth. _Josh’s smile is so cute. He looks so happy. I wish I were that happy… wait did I just call Josh cute?_ Tyler starts to think about what he just thought. His head shifts in Josh’s lap. Josh’s attention is now focused on Tyler. “You okay?” Josh asks casually, even though Tyler can tell that he is concerned. Tyler sits up and scoots next to Josh. Their thighs touch and their legs hang freely. Tyler looks at Josh’s face and breaks into the biggest smile ever. Well, it’s the biggest he’s ever smiled. It’s also the most genuine smile he’s ever displayed. He nods his head in response. “Good,” Josh places his hand on Tyler’s knee and squeezes it reassuringly. Tyler rests his head on Josh’s shoulder and closes his eyes. The low chirp of crickets below them fill his ears with solace.

  
%

  
“Tyler, it’s been four hours. We should probably get back.” Josh stares at his phone and chews on his lip anxiously.

  
“I don’t want to,” Tyler snuggles up to Josh. “I like it here.”

  
“Me too, but I don’t want to climb down this tree when it’s pitch black. Come on, you can stay at my house for the night if you want to.” Tyler opens his sleepy eyes and lifts his head off of Josh’s shoulder.

  
“Okay. That sounds nice.”

  
“Good.” Josh smiles as he starts to climb down the tree. Tyler takes in the view one last time before following him down the tree.  
Once the two boys reach the ground, they walk to Josh’s car. Tyler gets into the passenger seat and falls asleep immediately.

  
%

  
“Hey, Tyler” Josh shakes him gently. Tyler exerts a low hum, telling him not to wake him up. “Tyler come on, we’re at my house and everyone’s still awake. I’d carry you in but I think they’d be a little confused.” Josh lets out a quiet chuckle.

  
“Ugh, fine!” Tyler opens his eyes, droopy with fatigue. “Help me out,” Tyler says, extending his arms waiting for Josh to pull him out of the car.

  
“Oh you big baby, come on.” Josh unbuckles Tyler and wraps his arms around his body. Tyler’s arms go around Josh’s neck. Josh pulls Tyler out of the car. Once Tyler is standing, he hugs Josh. Tyler arches his neck and buries his head into Josh’s neck. “Thank you,” Tyler’s voice is low from just waking up.

  
“Of course,” Josh responds. Tyler plants a delicate kiss on Josh’s neck and lets out a close to silent sigh.

  
“Let’s go, Tyler” Josh pulls away from Tyler, but grabs hold of his hand to let him know that he’s only dropping out of the hug so they can go inside. Josh locks the car and drags Tyler to the front porch, still holding his hand. Josh opens the door and drops Tyler’s hand. “Hey, um, you’re going to have to meet my family now so maybe try to pull yourself together a little bit? I know you’re tired but I don’t want them to be worried or anything.” Tyler nods and perks up instantly. The two boys walk into the house and go into the kitchen.

  
“Hey, momma this is Tyler. Can he spend the night?” Ms. Dun is surprised to see someone with Josh. She tries her best to mask it but ultimately fails. “Oh, of course, sweetie! Hi, Tyler, it’s so very nice to meet you!”

  
“It’s great to meet you, too Ms. Dun!” Tyler puts on an acknowledging grin. Ms. Dun turns to Josh.

  
“If you need anything honey, just ask me.” Ms. Dun walks out of the kitchen.

  
“Come on let’s get to bed,” Josh turns to Tyler, who is back to his exhausted self. It scares Josh at how well Tyler can mask his true emotions. It’s more sad than scary though. Josh wishes he could fix everything in Tyler’s world. He wishes he could make everything perfect for him because that’s what Tyler deserved: A perfect world.

  
The two boys walk up the stairs and past Ashley’s room. The door is open and she catches a glimpse of Tyler. “Hey, Tyler! What are you doing here?” Ashley eyes Josh suspiciously.

  
“Oh, just hanging out.” Tyler rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. Josh thinks it’s adorable when he does that.

  
“I think there’s someone here who you might want to see.” After Ashley says those words, Jenna pops out of Ashley’s room.

  
“Hey, Tyler!” Jenna pulls Tyler into a hug and kisses him on the cheek. Josh’s heart starts to break. Tyler pulls away from Jenna slightly. She drops her arms to her side and looks betrayed.

  
“Sorry, I’m just really tired right now.” Tyler turns to Josh and pleads to him through his eyes to take him to his room so he can pass out. Josh leads the way to his room and leaves Jenna standing in the hallway with Ashley awkwardly.

  
The two boys walk into Josh’s room. Josh closes the door behind them. “If you want you can borrow some clothes…” Josh turns to his closet to get some clothes, but Tyler just takes off his shirt and sinks into Josh’s mattress. “... Or not,” Josh laughs at how exhausted Tyler is. Josh changes and then joins Tyler in bed. Tyler’s head didn’t even hit a pillow when he went into Josh’s bed. Josh pulls Tyler up so they are both facing each other. “Goodnight Josh,” Tyler mutters sleepily.

  
“Goodnight Tyler,” Josh closes his eyes and falls asleep to the sound of Tyler snoring quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I just want to say thank you all sooo much for the positive feedback! I really love writing this fic. It makes me so happy. This week has been pretty stressful for me. I had a full our panic attack at school, which wasn't fun.. But my sister surprised my family and came home from college for my mom's birthday! I hope everyone is having a great day, and if you celebrate it, Happy Easter!!


	5. So Why is my Heart Broke?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions self-harm.

Josh is awakened by sunlight flooding into his room from the window. He rubs his sleepy face to try to get some feeling into it. Josh shifts in the bed to reach for his phone but is suddenly reminded by a small snore that Tyler is in the bed with him. Tyler. Josh feels so bad for him. He’s someone who is in so much pain that he doesn’t even deserve. Tyler has been nothing but friendly to Josh. Josh can’t imagine him hurting anyone intentionally.

 

Tyler looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Every breath enters and exits his lungs with ease. He looks at peace when he sleeps. His left-hand clutches the pillow under his heavy head. His right under his slender body. His legs curl up and his knees touch Josh’s legs. Josh can’t help but be breath taken by the sight. It’s one of the most beautiful things he’s ever seen. To most people, someone sleeping might not seem like much. To Josh, it’s everything especially when it concerns Tyler. Seeing Tyler, someone who is so internally conflicted, finally find peace is enthralling. Josh picks up his hand and traces the curve of Tyler’s bare shoulder, to his neck, around his ear, to his forehead. He plants a small kiss on his forehead, which wakes Tyler instantly. Tyler’s eyes shoot open right away.

 

Josh goes from being on cloud 9 to rock bottom. The look in Tyler’s eyes isn’t pleasure or tranquility… it’s fear. Tyler sits up and moves as far away from Josh as he can. “Wh- what’s wrong?” Josh can’t find an answer for why Tyler’s feeling this way. “Did I do something?” Josh moves closer to him. Tyler looks down to his hands to avoid any eye contact with Josh.

“It’s nothing. I need to go home now.” Tyler gets out of the bed and puts on his shirt. Josh gets a clear view of Tyler’s cuts, which is like a stab to his heart. He just wants to protect Tyler.

“Well at least let me drive you home,” Josh gets out of his bed and starts to change beside Tyler.

“No, it’s fine Josh,” Tyler puts his shoes on and starts to leave the room.

“No, Tyler I insist,” Josh walks toward Tyler and grabs his hand. He moves his thumb in circles on the back of Tyler’s hand to reassure him. Tyler jerks his hand back and lashes out at Josh,

“Josh leave me alone! I don’t need your help!” Tyler stumbles back and hits the door. The two boys stand there in an eerie silence. Tears haunt the back of Tyler’s eyes as he exits the room.

 

He leaves Josh, standing in his room by himself. Josh can’t help but go over everything that happened last night and this morning. He didn’t do anything wrong except for kissing Tyler on the forehead. _But Tyler kissed me yesterday! This makes no sense! I just want to know what’s wrong with him. What did I do? Good job, Josh. Messed another thing up._

 

%

 

Josh is snapped out of his trance by a rap on the door. “Can I come in?” Ashley’s sweet voice breaks the silence in his room and the chaos in his head. Josh nods before he realizes Ashley can’t see him through the door. Before he can answer her, Ashley lets herself into his room. “Are you okay, Josh? When Tyler left he was crying. Also, he didn’t say anything to Jenna. Also, are you trying to like… get with him? Because he’s with Jenna, well at least that’s what we thought until he came home with you. Also, when the hell did you guys start talking? Like were just not going to tell me about how you and fricking Tyler Joseph became fri–”

“Ashley can you shut the hell up?!” Ashley shuts up instantly and begins to back out of Josh’s room.

“Sorry, I was just trying to help,” she mumbles under breath as she heads to her room. _Great, now Ashley’s mad at you. You just have to fucking screw everything in your life, don’t you? That’s all you do. You might as well get a tattoo across your forehead that says “disappointment” because that’s what you are? Aren’t you? Or maybe you’re a failure, or a coward, or a faggot, or a piece of shit like everyone calls you. Yeah, that’s exactly what you are. You’re nothing._

 

Josh heads to the bathroom and finds himself in front of the mirror. He doesn’t see himself anymore. He sees someone who is suffering. He sees someone who is oppressed by himself. Josh’s hands travel to his hair. The pink is almost all gone. Everything he had of Dallon is gone. Tears roll out of the reflection’s eyes. Josh feels his own damp face. He can’t take any more rejection. The only way to not be rejected is to become something nobody would even think of wanting in the first place.

 

%

 

Josh’s hands are stained with yellow dye. He gags on the remaining scent of hair bleach. After the highlighter yellow hair dye is in his hair, Josh scrubs his hands. He scrubs them not only to get the dye off but to get off anything he’s ever touched. To get off anything he’s ever felt. It’s time for a fresh start. Josh grabs the white nail polish bottle from the counter and unscrews the cap. He steadies his hands and then starts to apply the white polish. White: the color of purity, the color of solace, the color of a blank canvas. New beginnings, old endings. Josh is here for a new middle. He’s in the middle of a story but wants out. He doesn’t want to kill himself or anything like that. He just wishes he were in a different situation. One where Dallon didn’t move. One where people liked him back. One where he didn’t know the face of or name Tyler Joseph.

 

Josh leaves the bathroom with new black ear gauges, new highlighter hair, and new empty nails. He walks past Ashley’s open bedroom. “Woah, what did you do?” Ashley asks as he walks past.

“Here’s to old endings,” Josh says as he heads to his room.

 

Just as Josh walks into his room, his phone starts to ring. It’s a facetime call from Dallon. Josh knows that Dallon is extremely busy all the time so he has to answer. No matter how shitty he feels right now. He picks up the phone and hits accept. Dallon’s poorly lit face appears on the screen. “Oh my god what did you do?”

“You like it?” Josh fluffs up his new hair, “I just did it.” Josh smiles at his hair.

“Yeah, you look hot,” Dallon says, blushing slightly. Josh always knew that Dallon kind of liked him, but Josh never felt the same way about him.

“When are you coming back?” Josh bits his lip slightly in concentration.

“I, um, I’m not sure,” Dallon responds, distracted by Josh. The two talk for another twenty minutes before Dallon hangs up because it was time for lunch.

 

Josh decides to go downstairs and get something to eat, too. His mother does a double take. “Wow someone changed! Where did Tyler go?” his mother is making food for Abby and Jordan.

“Home. He’s not my friend, he just needed somewhere to crash. I was being a decent human being.” Josh states as he grabs an apple and heads out the door. He needs to clear his head.

 

He starts to take a walk around his neighborhood when he’s greeted with the sound of a basketball bouncing on asphalt. The ‘woosh’ of the rubber ball coming in contact with a metal hoop attracts his attention. The slender boy making the shots attract his attention more, though. Tyler is sweating furiously. He’s dressed in basketball shorts and a tank top. Tyler breathes heavily, from the bottom of his lungs. He stops making baskets to catch his breath. He all of a sudden decides to look up and sees Josh staring. The two boys stare at each other on opposite sides of the street until a car breaks their gazes. Josh finally realizes what he’s doing and starts to run away from Tyler’s house. He runs away from the sound of a basketball bouncing on asphalt. He runs from the ‘woosh’ of the ball greeting the metal hoop. He runs from the slender boy dressed in basketball shorts and a tank top. Josh runs from Tyler Joseph.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this kind of just came out lol. I just wanna write this all day but I have so much to do. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. It's kind of sucky style-wise at the beginning but i think it gets a little better toward the end. I wrote this instead of studying for a chem test tomorrow rip me. Also the title is from "million dollar man" by Lana del Rey


	6. We All Make a Different Sound when We Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: DESCRIPTIVE SELF HARM. STAY SAFE. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT, STOP READING AFTER HTE FIRST % AND CONTINUE AFTER THE &.

‘Woosh, bounce, catch, dribble, dribble, shoot, Woosh’ The routine that now required none of Tyler’s concentration draws his attention. He needs something to distract him. He needs to be distracted from thinking of hurting Josh and leaving early. He needs to be distracted from hurting the people he cares about… not that he cares about Josh. I mean they just met. Sure if Josh was bleeding to death on the floor in front of Tyler, he would react. Maybe that’s just human instinct, though. It doesn’t necessarily mean that Tyler cares for Josh, if he even did. 

Most importantly, he needs to distract him from himself. His body craves a blade. He craves release. Some kind of release. He hopes that shooting hoops until he’s on the brink of unconsciousness will help. 

 

Tyler catches the ball and dribbles it between his legs. He spins around and jumps. He dunks the ball through the chains of the hoop. The satisfying clank makes him smile to himself. Tyler let goes of the hoop and catches himself before falling to the ground in utter exhaustion. He rests a hand on his thigh to hold himself up.

 

Something doesn’t feel right. It’s not an “Oh no, the world’s ending RUN!” feeling, but more like a “Something’s off but I can’t quite put my finger on what is–” That is until Tyler looks up. He’s greeted with soft brown eyes, they are slightly creased with concentration. That’s the extent of familiarity he has with the physical appearance of the boy. His hair is bright yellow now. He has black ear gauges in. He has white nails. 

In the last three hours, Joshua Dun has changed his appearance drastically. Tyler physically ran from Josh and I guess in a way Josh  _ physically _ ran from Tyler. The two boys just stare at each other. Nothing is running through Tyler’s head except for him wanting to run across the street as fast as he can and say sorry to Josh. He wants to wrap him in the biggest hug ever. He just wants to tell Josh that everything will be okay… soon. 

 

Once Tyler catches his breath, he starts to approach Josh. Tyler is halfway down his driveway when he is cut off by a passing car. Once it passes, Josh starts to run. He runs so far. He runs so fast. Tyler wants to run after him. He wants to say sorry. He lost his first real friend at the school. Someone who he cares about. Just like that, he’s gone. 

 

Tyler stands at the end of his driveway. The occasional car passes by. He doesn’t feel anything. He’s numb to the touch. Whether that would be physically or mentally or emotionally. He feels nothing. He needs something. Tyler needs something. It seems like he either feels too much and gets overwhelmed, or he feels nothing at all. He’s never perfect.

“Hey, Tyler… mom says to come inside,” Zack calls from the front door. Tyler doesn’t move. His eyes remain where Josh used to be. “Hey, are you okay?” Zack’s now right next to Tyler. His hand rests on Tyler’s shoulder, reassuringly. “You can talk to me, Tyler,” Zack’s eyes beg Tyler for some kind of hint that would tell Zack what Tyler’s feeling. The only problem is that Tyler isn’t feeling anything. He shakes Zack’s hand off his shoulder and heads up the driveway. Tyler had other plans.

 

%

 

The bathtub filling slowly with water lulls Tyler into a trance. It’s almost like an outer body experience. Tyler grabs a new blade. He stole a pack of three from his father’s tool shed earlier in the year. He’s on the third blade. Once the tub is three-fourths full, Tyler turns off the faucet and puts the shower on. He gets into the tub, fully clothed and is instantly weighed down by his now drenched clothing. Tyler rolls up his sleeves. It’s been three days. 72 hours. 4,320 minutes. He needs this. It feels different this time. He lifts his hand containing the blade and presses it into his delicate skin. It breaks like two people pulling away from each other after a kiss. The only thing left being love.

 

It used to be about the blood. Tyler loved seeing blood pool up and slip out of him at a steady pace. The warmth it brought showed him how someone who felt so cold like himself could feel warm.  _ Sometimes you gotta bleed to know that you’re alive and have a soul. _ Tyler always repeats this whenever he cuts himself. He’s human. This is human. He might not be very good at being human with the self-destructive behavior and all, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is one.

 

It’s not enough. He’s cut twice so far, but he still feels nothing.  _ I’m a lost cause. I might as well leave now. Was I ever here? I was always gone. I’m a goner. Goner. GONER. G- _ Tyler carves a messy capital G into his arm.  _ Yeah, this is what I need. It’s different. It’s me. Ø- N- E- _ Everything starts to get fuzzy for Tyler. He’s losing too much blood, but he can’t stop. He wants this. No, he needs it. He needs it. R- He gasps for consciousness. “Tyler! Are you okay? Open the door!” Zack is knocking at the door. Zack has walked in on Tyler cutting himself in the past, but Tyler made him swear to secrecy. 

“I’m fine, Zack! Just showering!” Tyler remembers that it makes perfect sense for him to be showering. He did just shoot hoops for three hours straight. Tyler finally gets the strength to stand up and drain the tub. The pink water drips down the drain. Tyler enters his body again. He sees the word “GØNER” carved into his skin permanently. It’s okay though because he’s not even sure he’ll be here much longer.

 

&

 

After showering, Tyler changes into some pajamas and crawls into bed. The curtains are closed and he just wants to be alone. He really wants to be with Josh, but being alone will suffice. It’s what he’ll be when he dies. Alone. 

 

%

 

Tyler opens his locker and gets his books out. He shoves them into his backpack and turns to slam the door. Jenna is leaning against the locker next to his. “Hey, are you okay? You haven’t texted me or returned any of my calls from this weekend,” Jenna eyes Tyler perturbedly.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” He puts on his best “Who, me? Sad? Hah, in your dreams!” smile. Tyler’s about to apologize for his lack of contact with Jenna when he sees Josh walk into the hallway. Tyler looks away from him and toward Jenna. He pulls her closer to him and kisses her gently. The gasps she makes in surprise is muted by Tyler’s lips.  _ Wait, what are you doing, Tyler? I thought you wanted to make it up to Josh! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU MESSING THIS UP YET ANOTHER TIME! STOP STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP–  _

“W-wow Tyler.” Jenna pulls away from the kiss. Her cheeks are red from blushing. 

“I’ll make it up to you, Jenna. I promise.” Tyler holds her hands in his and rubs his thumbs in circles on the back of her hands, just as Josh has to him.

“Okay,” Jenna smiles and kisses him again. She then walks away to her next class. Tyler stops smiling instantly and begins heading to his next class. His fingers lightly touch the lockers he walks by and the cork information boards. He discovers plains of printer paper posters for bake sales and student council. 

 

Tyler is then pulled into a classroom and trips over himself. “What the fu–” he turns to see Josh grabbing him by the shoulders. He shuts up immediately. Josh’s eyes search Tyler’s face. 

“Why did you leave Ty? Did I do something wrong? Please just answer me, I’ve been beating myself up about it this whole weekend.” Josh needs an answer. His eyes look tired from the lack of sleep he got thinking about Tyler. Josh really liked him. Tyler’s eyes drift away from Josh’s and hang lazily toward the ground. His head follows this eyes and he ends up leaning against Josh’s shoulder. 

“Um, Ty?” Josh shakes Tyler gently. Tyler is shot back into reality.  _ What are you doing? You’re with Jenna. And you’re not gay! GET OUT GETOUTGETOUTGETOUGETOUT–  _ Tyler turns to leave when Josh grabs his arm. 

“NO Tyler, I’m not letting you get away this time” Josh’s voice grows powerful, along with his grip. Tyler winces at the pain against his fresh cuts and clutches his arm. Tyler feels his arm start to bleed and turns away from Josh to roll up his sleeve. He sees the N has started to bleed and runs the pad of his thumb over it to mop up the blood. 

“Oh my god, Ty” Tyler looks up and finds Josh standing in front of him. He has legs, too you idiot. He can walk… Josh’s eyes meet Tyler’s. Tyler’s are frantic as he shoves his sleeve down and runs out of the room. Josh remains in the room with the image of Tyler’s arm lingering in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! sorry for not posting in a while. So here's the deal: I've been pretty bad mentally for the past few days. Like I almost started self harming again. I'm doing pretty good today, though. I'm seeing a play tomorrow with my school so I had time to really write today. I've been waiting to write for the longest time. You might not get any more updates until after May 5th because I'm going to be at a camp being a counsellor for next week! yay i'm so excited! I hope this will suffice for the time i will be gone. Stay safe everybody. This was really hard to write and I just want to say for like the 80th time I'm so thankful for all of you guys and for you reading this! thank you so so much! <3 title is from "I never knew how to love you" by Vesperteen. SO GOOD OML.


	7. The Judge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Tyler get into something...

“Excuse me, don’t you have a class to get to?” A teacher walks into the room Josh is standing in. She snaps him back into reality.   
“Yeah, sorry,” Josh mumbles as he pushes past her only Josh isn’t going to class. He knows Tyler definitely didn’t go to class after what Josh saw. They share the same next class and Tyler would want to avoid him. Josh loops his thumbs in his backpack straps and heads to the front doors.  
“Hey! Joshua Dun! Go to class immediately!” Josh doesn’t fucking care about the principle screaming at him from the other end of the hallway. He doesn’t care about the “consequences of his actions.” He only cares about finding Tyler. He needs to make sure Tyler isn’t going to do anything to hurt himself. God, Tyler hurting himself. Josh can’t even think about that without wanting to break down and cry. He can’t think about it without wanting to scream at the world for hurting Tyler so much. All Tyler does is run. Josh wants to run after him.  
Josh rams himself into the door to open it as fast as he can and runs to his car. The principle is nearing the main doors and Josh jams his keys into the ignition and steps on the gas. He can’t deal with a nagging principle right now. Not when someone he cared for so much was in trouble.

Where would Tyler go? The question haunts Josh at every stop sign and left turn he encounters. Josh realizes that he doesn’t know Tyler that well. Where would he go? Josh can only think of the tree that he found Tyler on the last time he saw his selfharm. Josh turns into the dust-caked parking lot of the forest. He almost falls out of his car from being so anxious. He just wants Tyler to be okay.   
%  
Tyler isn’t even that sad that Josh saw what he did. He just wishes he never met him. Joshua Dun has ruined Tyler’s life. He has made him cut more than he ever has. Josh is going to kill you, Tyler. And when he does, he’s not going to give a shit about you. He probably won’t even come to your funeral. You know what? Let’s not bother inviting him all together. We hate him. He’s done nothing but hurt you. Leave him. You have other friends. Like Brendon and Ashley with the blue hair and that other girl named Ashley and Sarah and Jenna. Don’t forget about Jenna she’s amazing and she really likes you… and you like her.  
For once everything was clear. Finally.  
Everything  
               Is  
  Finefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinei’mfinefinallythat’salli’vewantedforthepast few months.

%  
Josh finally finds Tyler crouching near a stream. A stick is in his hand. He stares intently at the short-term motifs he creates in the running water below him. He looks so at peace here. In the middle of the forest. Nothing can hurt him here. Josh approaches Tyler warily, “Hey, Tyler… are you okay?” Josh tries to sound as calm as possible, but he still manages to startle Tyler. Tyler loses his balance ame falls into the small stream. His clothes are soaked from remaining in the water, trying to avoid eye contact with Josh. “W-what are you doing here?” Tyler looks everywhere but at Josh.   
“What do you mean ‘what am I doing here?’ I came to make sure you're okay. Are you? I'm really really sorry if I made you uncomfortable and I swear I won't—”  
“Hey, can you just not talk about it? I'm fine. Go back to school.” Tyler finally gets out of the stream and starts toward the parking lot.   
“Hey wait a minute,” Josh jogs toward him and puts an arm on Tyler's shoulder. “You can talk to me, Tyler. I won't tell anyone and I won't judge you for anything. You can trust me.” Josh looks into Tyler's sun-kissed irises, pleading for an answer. Tyler shoves Josh’s hand off his shoulder and takes a step away from him. “Yeah right. Everyone’s a judge. And you're the judge so don't even try to tell me otherwise.” Tyler starts to walk away, leaving Josh speechless. He turns back around one last time. There's something he needs to let Josh know. “We aren't friends, Josh. We never were. Leave me alone.” Tyler walks out of the forest, leaving the trees to loom over Josh, entrapping every insecurity he’s ever had. For once, Tyler had the upper hand.   
Josh remains in the cage until the end of the day. He should be enjoying the nature surrounding him, but can't to only think about what Tyler said. The Judge.   
%  
“Joshua William Dun” Josh knows his parents know that he skipped school. I wonder who ratted me out? I bet it was Ashley getting back at me for screaming at her. That bi— “Joshua are you even listening to me? Skipping school is unacceptable. Especially when we figure out by a call from your principle. What were you thinking!?”   
“I wasn't thinking anything.” Josh responds placidly. Confusion glazed eyes taunt his mother with worry for her beloved son.   
“Sweetie, are you oka—”   
“You know what? I'm gonna take a nap. I'm kind of tired.” Josh doesn't wait for an answer. He runs up the stairs to his room. On the way to his room, he passes Ashley's room. He sees Ashley sitting on her bed with Sarah opposite from her painting her nails a pale baby blue. Or maybe it's more of a muted blue sky. Whatever it was, it made Josh feel sick to his stomach with grief. Or maybe it's the fumes from the polish. He sees the back of someone sitting on a swiveling chair familiar. They turn around laughing at something Ashley has said, but stop right when they lock eyes with Josh. Tyler immediately breaks eye contact with Josh and turns toward the two girls painting their nails.   
Ashley finally notices Josh looming by her doorway.  
“Ugh Josh, can you not be creepy when my friends are here?” She gets up and closes the door in his face. Josh stares at the white pine door for a moment longer. The person who is making him feel like absolute crap is in a room three inches away from him. He knows it and Josh certainly knows it. And Tyler has the nerve to show up in Josh’s house and hang out with his little sister? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you serious? Does he not care at all? At least try to avoid me? Wow I probably mean nothing to him. How could I let myself think that I did at some point? Why do you always do this Josh? You always get attached to any person who will even acknowledge your mere existence. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE IVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND IVER AN DOVER AND OVER AN DIVER AGAIN STOP IT.   
The only thing Josh remembers is hitting the floor and the sound of Ashley shrieking when she opens the door to find Josh, passed out on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I'm so sorry for being gone for such a long time. May was a hella stressful month for me. I freaked out at least once a day. And by freak out I mean minor to major panic attacks and my depression started to push its way back to being to the center of my life. I think I'm doing better now though. Especially with seeing tøp so soon I'm so excited but every time I listen to their music I start crying now Bc I can't believe I'm going to see them live. Okay hope u guys enjoy this chapter it's kinda short and bad so I apologize. The story will get better don't worry.


	8. If

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> continuation of jish and tyler. This chapter's pov is kind of everywhere.... sorry about that.

Josh wakes up to his body being jerked around and a metallic clank. He starts to groggily gain consciousness and realizes that there's an oxygen mask on his face. He tries to lift his right arm to take it off, but is stopped by a woman in a white polo shirt. A little Red Cross symbol is sewn onto the left breast of the shirt. Josh starts to panic one he realizes that he's in an ambulance. He violently turns his head from side to side looking for a familiar face, but instead is greeted by mechanical sounds and people rushing the constricted space. He doesn't remember how he got here. One minute he was passed out on the floor, the next he’s headed to the hospital. Josh passes out all the time but it's probably just because he's tired or something like that. That happens to other people, right? 

The ambulance stops at the Emergency Room and is opened from the back. Josh is wheeled out of the vehicle and into a hallway that reeks of bright fluorescent lighting. It’s funny how the actual hospital is so bright, but the people there are the exact opposite. As he rolls down the hallway, a nurse asks for his name, date of birth and gender. “Now Joshua, let's see what we can do about getting you a room.” She claps her hands together and smiles sweetly at him.

%

“Okay, make a left here, Ash,” Sarah is holding her phone directing Ashley where to turn in order to make it to the hospital in one piece. Ashley insists that Tyler and Sarah come along… for moral support obviously. It would also just be rude to kick them out of her house, even though they would both understand. Tyler doesn't know what to think about Josh randomly passing out. It was most likely another panic attack and he thought that Josh had his anxiety under control.  
Ashley pulls up into the parking lot of the emergency room and Sarah offers to park her car while Ashley and Tyler ran in. Tyler almost offered to park Ashley’s car but decided against it. What’s wrong with you? Her brother just fainted and is in the hospital and you want to try to get out of helping her? Some friend you are.  
Tyler and Ashley walk into the hospital and follow a red line that takes them to the front desk and he waiting room. They run up to where Ashley’s mother is and sits with her.  
“How is he?” Ashley cranes her neck to stare at her mother’s face. She usually doesn't show much care about her brother’s wellbeing in front of him, but it's very apparent when he isn't present.  
“He needs to stay in for a psychological evaluation.” Mrs. Dun looks ahead with no emotion. Even the thought of being in a hospital irked Tyler. Anyone here could lock him up or declare him as a suicidal head case. That's the last thing Tyler needs right now. Like Ashley, even though he doesn't show that he cares about Josh he still hopes that he will be okay. Tyler would want the same from anyone if he were in this situation.  
“Mrs. Dun? You and your family can see Josh now. He's all settled into a room, if you just follow me,” the nurse leads Mrs. Dun, and Ashley to Josh's room while Tyler remains in the waiting room.  
The stench of disinfectant lingers in the air causing Tyler to silently suffocate. The placid walls haunt his obscure mind. Everything from muted phones ringing to the low murmurs amongst families bothersTyler. Not in a “I need to get out of here way,” more so a “I can’t move. I’m stuck.” Tyler’s breathing remains normal, but his head hangs low. He tries to shield the atmosphere from him.  
“Hey, where are they?” Sarah runs up to moping Tyler with a pair of car keys dangling from her index finger. The clanking sound of the keys relax Tyler.  
“Ashley and her m-mom went in to see Josh. H-he has to get a psych eva-al done.” Tyler tries to answer Sarah casually, but ends up stuttering more than he wants to. He has a lump in his throat that he just can’t shake. It’s like the feeling when you get choked up over some sad movie or song and you feel all hyperventilated but you haven’t actually started crying yet. It just feels like you have been for a while. Sarah hears the panic in Tyler’s voice and sits beside him in a chair. She rests her hand over Tyler’s in an attempt to comfort him. “Hey, it’s okay. He’s going to be fine, Tyler.” Sarah tries to talk quietly to sooth him. Tyler finally lifts his head up just in time to see Ashley walking toward them. “Hey, you guys can see him if you want. The doctors said it’s okay now. They just wanted him to calm down and get used to the environment or something like that.” Ashley says nonchalantly as she twirls a piece of her auburn hair. It’s a nervous habit, but neither Tyler or Sarah mention anything of it.  
“Nah, I’m okay,” Sarah replies, settling into her seat more, “I just came to support you, Ash. So if there’s anything you need.” Ashley nods at Sarah and turns to look at Tyler. Her eyes tentatively search Tyler’s face which delays his response.  
“O-oh, um yeah I guess I’ll see him.” Tyler responds, his voice a little higher than he anticipated.

%

“So, would you say that this feeling has interrupted any of the things you used to normally do, Josh? Maybe like you used to read a lot or enjoy a sport, but not anymore?” Someone is asking Josh another question about his ‘past interests.’  
“Um, not really. I guess I used to go out more, but that’s also because my best friend was around.” Josh replies, avoiding the eyes of the social worker (?) questioning him. Josh lost track of what every person's’ job is. Some people stick around for an hour, others stay for five minutes and you never see them again after that.  
“Tell me more about your frie–” a knock at the door interrupts the question. The assumed social worker opens the door. Ashley is standing on the other side with Tyler.  
“Um, he wants to talk to Josh. Can he?” Ashley gestures to Tyler who looks a little disheveled.  
“Oh, yeah sure.” The man started to gather his stuff as Ashley gestured Tyler into the room. 

Tyler almost regrets going to see Josh. Josh is dressed in a pale yellow hospital gown and is fidgeting with the remote. His the tip of tongue peeking out between his lips. “U-um.. hi..?” Tyler offers to break the awkward silence. He’s still standing near the door. Josh’s eyes immediately land on Tyler’s and hover there. Tyler starts to feel a little choked up. “H-how are you?” He offers to make everything go a little smoother. Josh looked really mad. Like really mad. Tyler couldn’t help to think that he was the reason why Josh was here. If he got one thing out of this, it’s that he wants to be Josh’s friend and to be there for him. It doesn’t seem like he really has anyone. Josh replies with a scoff “How do you think I am?” and looks away toward the television. Tyler walks toward Josh and when Josh sees him he flinches. He physically flinches like he’s a poor animal that’s been hurt by a monster. The monster was Tyler. Tyler started to tear up a little bit and Josh notices and finally shuts off the tv, giving Tyler his full attention. “What’s wrong Ty?” Josh looks up at him as a hot tear slips out of his right eye.  
“I’m so so-orry Josh. You don’t des-serve any of thi-is” Tyler started to sob and Josh couldn’t help himself. He’s always been so kind, even to people who take advantage of him.  
“Hey, it’s okay, Tyler. You didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Come here.” Josh opens his arms up and embraces Tyler into a hug. Tyler’s arms go under Josh’s. They feel right there. To both of them. Tyler’s breathing slowly goes back to normal and both of the boys continue to hold on to each other. It gets uncomfortable pretty quickly for Tyler. His back is arched to lower his head to the same height as Josh’s. Tyler starts to shift a little bit and Josh releases him and starts to blush as Tyler stands. “Oh, sorry…” He looks down to distract himself from Tyler. Tyler knows that Josh has some sort of thing for him maybe… But he’s straight. For sure. Tyler’s straighter than a ruler.  
“No it’s okay, My back was just hurting.” Tyler starts to arch his back up and put his arms back to stretch out his lower back. When he returns to his normal posture, he sees Josh staring him wide-eyed. He looks so at peace considering the circumstance. His eyebrows are slightly knitted together and his hands folded into his lap. A warm blush plastered across his cheeks. His eyes doe-like coated in desire. Tyler just smiles sweetly down at him and grabs his hand. “I’m sorry for everything, Josh. I was being a huge dick. Can we be friends?”  
“Yeah, of course, Tyler. Friends…” but Josh had other plans...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey frens yes its been a hot minute. I saw tøp. actually today i saw them a year ago. I sobbed at the so hard omg you have no idea. It was the best day f my life. Also i fell in love with columbus. I really did. Like i want to go to college there but also it isnt the best college and i could go to better for sure. just im so conflicted. OH well i'll figure it out. I hope you guys enjoy this long due chapter. Its kind of boring and i rally dont like how this fic is going so far so theres that. but im gonna try to change it into what i want. i think i can make it. I love you guys you make me so so happy. Leave me a comment or something to give me something to do tomorrow. also title is "if" by house of heros :)


	9. Idle Worship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of a frenship... or is it?

“Oh man I’m so sorry, Josh that sounds horrible. I’m here for you, buddy. Don’t you ever forget that.” Dallon looks up from his homework to scan Josh’s face, although that’s kind of hard to do over facetime.

 

“Yeah, thanks, Dal. I wish you were here though. I miss you.” Josh looked down at the keyboard on his laptop. His fingers lightly tapping the surface of the keys. Not enough to press them down, just enough to hear the close to silent high pitched whine they make.

 

“Aww, Joshie! I miss you, too.” Josh looks up at the embarrassing nickname, but sees Dallon on the other side of the screen blushing instead of himself. Dallon draws a big breath in before saying, “Josh, I need to tell you something. I know this probably isn’t a good time, but… um… I.. well for a while I’ve… um..” Before Dallon can finish, there is a light tapping on the door and Josh looks toward it, cutting Dallon off.

 

“Before I come in make sure you’re fully clothed and all your porn is put away. My good little Christian eyes can’t see that kind of _profanity,_ ” Tyler inches into the room with his hand over his eyes. He’s in basketball shorts and a tank top that hangs loose around his toned arms and a sweater. He’s also breathing _really_ hard. Josh can’t help but stare at the sweat pattern on the chest of his shirt. His lips are parted and turned up at the corners. They make Josh completely forget about the hospital and the fact that he’s currently in outpatient therapy for two weeks and not in school. It makes him forget that everyone at school is talking about him and how he apparently “had a mental breakdown and threatened to kill someone.” At least that’s what Ashley’s telling him. It makes him forget that he’s still facetiming Dallon until Dallon finally clears his throat and looks askance at Josh. “Um.. I’m just gonna go. Bye.” He hangs up before Josh can even get anything in.

 

Tyler removes his hand from over his eyes and walks toward Josh, who’s sitting at his desk. “Here, I brought you your Physics homework.” Tyler hands the packet to Josh, who takes it with a smile. Josh can now see that Tyler’s hair and forehead is sleek with sweat, too. It does something to Josh’s stomach. It makes it him feel like he inhaled a bunch of helium and it somehow went to his stomach. It feels like his heart is light. Kind of like when you get scared and laugh afterward or when you start to go down on a roller coaster.

 

“Thanks man. Now I get to work for an hour.” Josh sets the packet down on his desk and turns to look at Tyler again. “Intense practice?” Josh questions Tyler as he wipes some sweat away from his forehead with back of his right hand.

 

“What? Oh, yeah. Also I kind of ran over here after, which wasn’t a good idea,” Tyler rested his hands on his thighs to support himself and bent over slightly trying to catch his breath.

 

“Here, sit down. I’ll get you some water.” Josh gets up and guides Tyler to his bed, his hand hovering behind Tyler’s back.

 

%

 

Josh leaves the room and heads downstairs. He enters the kitchen to find his mother making some food. Josh walks up to her with a smile on his face.

 

“Hey, Ma. Whatcha makin’?” Josh kisses her cheek and tries to smell whatever she was stirring in the pot.

 

“I’m making corn chowder, sweetie. Did Tyler make it to your room?” Josh’s mom eyes him suspiciously. Josh hasn’t been _this_ happy in a _really_ long time.

 

“Mmhm. I’m just getting him some water.” Josh grabs a cup out of the cupboard and fills it with ice and water. As he starts to head upstairs his mother shouts out, “Josh? Ask Tyler if he wants to stay for dinner, okay?”

 

Josh perks up at the imagine of Tyler sipping cautiously on the hot broth and smiling once it hits the top of his stomach and making him feel all warm and tingly.

“Okay, will do.” Josh ran up the stairs as fast as he could without spilling the water and bursts into his room.

 

%

 

He finds Tyler fiddling with one of his drumsticks that was on his bedside table. Tyler looks fully engaged, twirling the piece of wood between his fingers and feeling then sanded surface on his palm. Josh clears his throat, capturing Tyler’s attention.

 

“Um, here,” Josh hands the glass of water to Tyler who takes it gratefully. He takes a few sips and looks up at Josh, who is still standing in front of him.

 

“Sit down,” Tyler says as he scoots over and pats a spot next to him. Josh sits down closer than he expected next to Tyler. The bed dips under the weight of both of them and makes Josh kind of lean of Tyler. Their shoulders are touching and even though they are both clothed, Josh still feels a little zip of energy through his spine. “Do you play?” Tyler asks, handing Josh the drumstick. Josh takes the stick and spins it around for a while before putting it down on the bed next to him.

 

“U-um yeah, I do. Not that well though.”

“Well, I bet you’re great.” Tyler scoots closer to Josh so their knees are touching. Josh starts to get choked up at the image. He looks over to Tyler who is swirling an ice cube around in the cup. He’s looking down at it. Josh can’t help but to admire Tyler’s eyelashes. They’re so long and look so soft. He just wants to feel them on his skin. _I bet they feel like individual feathers fluttering everywhere, or maybe a papercut. Or if we are feeling ambitious (which we are Josh, don’t lie) maybe even someone dancing._

 

“Josh, did you hear me?” Tyler nudges him a little bit, before standing up in front of him. Tyler’s arms are crossed across his chest. The cup is now empty and sitting on Josh’s desk.

 

“Wh-what?” Josh looks up at him, confused. _Oh god, I wasn’t even listening to him. Watch as he told me his whole life story and it went right over my head._

 

“Well, I said, ‘Do you want help with the Physics homework?’” Tyler’s leg is bouncing up and down. He looks like he’s getting impatient with Josh.

 

“Yeah… I’m sorry.” Josh’s back is hunched over and he looks up at Tyler.   
Tyler almost falls because Josh’s lips are curled up to a whimper and his eyes look like they’re begging. He looks like a fucking puppy and Tyler can’t take it. _But Tyler, why can’t you take it? You guys are just friends, remember? Well we know that Josh likes you… I think… I’m pretty sure…. I mean why else would he kiss your forehead… like yeah he does. But the real question is, do you want him to like you?_

 

“Aw, it’s okay man,” Tyler reaches out a hand and ruffles Josh’s yellow hair playfully. Josh’s eyes squint and his lips part, revealing perfect teeth. His laugh sounds writing on a dry erase board, or maybe folding laundry, or boiling water, or watering a plant. Tyler finds his hand still tangled in Josh. Tyler begins to lightly massage Josh’s scalp subconsciously. He likes the look of his hands entwined with Josh’s yellow locks. Tyler doesn’t stop until he realizes Josh’s eyes are closed and he’s humming softly. _Oh god. He needs to stop. I can’t handle this at all. I want to stop but I want to keep going. Oh god what’s he doing with is hand? OH it’s on my bicep now. I think I like it there. It’s moving now. Up and down. His hand is so cold. It feels so good. Wait, what am I even doing? Maybe we should get started on that Physics…_

Tyler forces him to stop playing with Josh’s hair, but drops his hand to Josh’s shoulder instead. _He’s so firm how is that even possible??! Why do I even care. Wait… Do I like Josh?_

 

“Um… Guys…?” Ashley is standing in the doorway of Josh’s room. Josh opens his eyes and drops his hand and fast as he can. Tyler’s arm falls to his side and he takes a quick step back and trips on his gym bag. He falls right on his butt.

 

“Okay, I’m not even going to ask, but mom just wants to know if you’re staying for dinner, Tyler.”

 

“Di-inner?” Tyler looks up at Josh who turns bright red. _Come on, Josh!! The one thing you needed to do!!_

 

“Oh, I forgot to ask you,” Josh stands up to help Tyler up. He extends his hand and Tyler takes it gratefully. Josh lifts Tyler up and releases him as Tyler starts to dust himself off.

 

“Wow, Josh. You had one job and you can’t even remember.” Ashley crosses her arms and lets out an annoyed sigh. Josh ignores Ashley and proceeds to ask Tyler,

“Do you want to stay for dinner? My mom’s making corn chowder.” Josh really wants Tyler to stay over. Maybe sleep over too… again… But he has a feeling if he did happen to sleep over that everything would be different this time.

 

“Sorry I can’t. I have to babysit Maddie and Jay. You can come over if you want though.” Josh hasn’t left the house since the hospital three days ago. He wasn’t sure if he would be ready for it.

Ashley decides to chime in, not only to bring Josh back to reality, but to make sure they both know that she’s still in the room.

 

“Um, Josh. Mom’s probably not going to let you go.” Josh wants to tell Ashley to leave them alone, but he knows that she’s right. There’s no way that Josh would be able to leave the house. He might as well be in inpatient therapy than outpatient.

 

“Oh, well maybe another time then. I should get going.” Tyler musters around for his bag before putting it on his shoulder. When he stands back up, it’s just him and Josh. Tyler meets Josh’s eyes and feels himself blush, as well as seeing Josh blush before him. It makes Tyler blush harder. “Hey, can I see your phone?” Tyler asks, breaking the silence.

 

“Yeah, hold on.” Josh grabs his phone off of his desk and hands it to Tyler. Tyler holds it for a while, before handing it back to Josh.

 

“There, text me. Okay?” Josh looks at the contact name Tyler put in for himself and starts to break out into laughter.

“Baby boy Tyjo?” Josh leans over from laughter. He feels tears creeping at the edge of his eyes.

 

“Yeah, you know you like it,” Tyler winks at Josh and bumps into him on the way out of his room. Josh remains smiling at the open door before Ashley walks by and says, “You better not fall in love with him. He’s my friend, too.” Before Josh has a chance to respond, she’s gone.

_Yeah Josh, you better not fall in love with him. Uh oh..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Hey Hey i hope you like this update. I got my mojo back aka the way i used to write back and im sooo happy!! I'm seeing Jon Bellion soon I'm so excited! Leave a comment. I didn't get any on the last chapter and idk y i feel like i did something wrong :( title is a song by paramore honestly the new album is amaaazing


	10. Whispers In My Ear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woo this is a good chapter in my opinion. It's a Tyler chapter. I know this story has been mostly about Josh which i find so funny bc im not even a suuuper big huge josh stan. trigger warning. talks about some cutting and stuff. Enjoy!! I really feel like writing rn might bust out another chapter and upload it another day. Invincible–machine gun kelly is where the title is from

_ Josh: hey _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: hi, whatsup? _

_ Josh: Homework. dont wanna go back to school tomorrow  _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: why not? You get to see me ;) _

_ Josh: yeah thats true _

_ Josh: but I have to see a bunch of people who’ve been talking about me  _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: wow getting kinda cocky are we? Who told u that everyone is talking about u lol _

_ Josh: Ashley did _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: Which one? _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: Oh wait ur sister _

_ Josh: yeah. I didnt know u knew the other Ashley _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: yah shes kinda my friend _

_ Josh: I keep forgetting that we’re from completely different worlds.  _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: what do u mean? _

_ Josh: well you’re friends with all those other people, like the ones that make fun of people like me _

_ Baby boy Tyjo: people like you? _

_ Josh: yeah… _

Josh starts to type “yeah someone who’s bisexual like me,” only to be cut off by a “gtg parents are leaving” text by Tyler. 

 

Tyler sets his phone down on his desk and runs downstairs to take care of Maddie and Jay. Right now they’re occupied by some TV show on PBS Kids. He walks into the kitchen to meet his mom.

“Dinner’s on the stove, make sure Mads and Jay are in bed by 10:30 at the latest. Also, don’t open the door for anyone, Tyler.” his mother is grabbing her keys off the kitchen island and tugging at her dress to straighten it.

“Where’s dad?” Tyler asks. He seems to recall that his father was going to come home.

“I’m meeting him at the restaurant. He had some extra work to get done and couldn’t come home in time.” His mother walks up to Tyler, who is nodding his head. “And one last thing, sweetie. No friends over, okay?”

“Yeah, mom. I know.” Tyler kisses her cheek and she smiles at him as she walks out of the kitchen to say goodbye to the other kids. Tyler strolls into the living room after his mother leaves the house and sits on the couch. Maddie and Jay are sitting on the floor in front of the television. 

“Hey guys, where’s Zack?” Tyler waits for a while but doesn’t get an answer. He sighs as he gets up to stand between his siblings and the TV. 

“Tyler, move the best part is gonna happen!” His six-year-old brother shoos him away with his hand. Tyler turns to Maddie for an answer. 

“I think he’s in your room.” Maddie blatantly answers so Tyler will get out of the way. He leaves the kids and goes up the stairs to the room he shares with Zack. The door is closed and he opens it and freezes in his path. Zack is sitting on his own bed kissing a girl. Tyler lets out a “WHAT THE FU–” before he slams the door so his siblings downstairs can’t hear him. The girl and  Zack instantly fling apart. “Zack what the hell are you doing? Like seriously, What?!” Tyler wants to walk toward his brother and slap him but he can’t even move. He’s in shock.

“I.. um, I can explain!” Zack stands up and starts toward Tyler. The girl gathers her stuff and leaves the room. Tyler stares down at Zack until he hears the girl close the front door of the house. Once she’s gone, Tyler asks, “Zack what are you even thinking? I know that you’re a hormonal fourteen year old, but–”

“Hey, just because I can actually get a girl who likes me doesn’t mean that you should rain on my para–” Zack starts but gets cut off by Tyler interrupting. 

“I have Jenna, remember?” Tyler starts to glare at Zack. Zack looks away and leaves the room, mumbling a “Yeah right,” as he exits. Tyler just sighs and picks up his phone. He sees five text messages from Brendon each a minute apart.

_ Beebo: Hey _

_ Beebo: Yo _

_ Beebo: can you fuckin answer man? _

_ Beebo: a bunch of us r hanging out at Pete’s house _

_ Beebo: u should come _

 

Tyler stares at the text messages before texting back a “sorry, can’t.” He doesn’t even feel bad about not being able to. It might just be him being weird or something, but Tyler doesn’t feel like he fits in with his friends. Pete and Brendon are so outgoing, like the rest of the crew. Talking is easy for them. It was never super easy for him. Like yeah, he can put on a mask and fake it. He’s good at that. Possibly  _ too _ good. So when he says he can’t  _ talk _ to his friends he really means that he can’t connect with them or really tell them everything that’s happening in his screwed up life. 

He sometimes wishes that he had two faces. It’d make life so much easier. Like he could just easily put one on when he needed to be a certain way instead of changing up his whole one face. If that makes any sense. Tyler hasn’t been making sense for a while. I mean, he did blow off his friends right now. Yes, he has to watch his siblings, but this isn’t the only time he’s blown them off. It’s not even like he had any excuses to _not_ hang out with them. They’re just trying to be good friends. Tyler can’t blame them for his stupidity. **_It’s your fault. They’re not going to want to hang out with you anymore._** Wait– what was that? That wasn’t Tyler. That definitely wasn’t him. Oh no. This is in no way good. Whenever something like this starts, he usually cuts himself. He usually curls up into a ball and cries and cries. He’s trying to get better. He really is. _I really am._ **_Are you?_**

 

Zack comes upstairs shortly. There’s some awkward silence that only Zack can detect. Tyler’s still baffled at the voice inside his head that’s not his. “Um, we’re gonna eat dinner… You want some?” Zack asks. He’s rubbing the back of his neck just like Tyler does when he’s in an awkward situation. 

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute.” Tyler’s still staring at Brendon’s texts from fifteen minutes ago. Zack leaves their room and heads downstairs. Zack rhythmically clamoring down the stairs is almost equivalent to Tyler’s frantically beating heart. His head hurts with confusion. He doesn’t know what to do. Should he be a slave to a blade? Or perhaps he could try something else. 

 

Tyler remembers the night he was looking up different coping mechanisms. One of them happened to be putting a rubber band on your wrist. He always has one on him now. It also has to be a specific type, too. If it breaks, he almost breaks down and cries. It’s especially horrible to put so much faith in a piece of rubber, but that’s how his life is. He remembers seeing drawing, listening to music, and writing on the list. He can’t draw too well and doesn’t bother getting out and materials. He can’t listen to music right now because he can’t even hear himself. He resorts to writing. He goes into his desk to find a notebook he’s never used. It’s a pocket-sized moleskine that has a black leather cover. The black leather has a few discolorations, but then again, so does Tyler. He opens to a blank page. It’s not even the first page, just some random one. He takes out a pen and starts to write. 

_ I wish that I had two faces to prove which theory works _

_ Yelling on the street corner, or cleverly masking your words _

_ Part two halves of my heart in the dark and _

_ I don’t know where I should go when the tears and the fears begin to multiply.  _

Tyler looks back at the words he wrote and closes the book. He feels a little better. Just a little bit. It’s not as good as cutting but this and his rubber band will suffice… for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for encouraging me to continue with this guys. Hope you like this chapter. Ik i have a really weird writing style. It's just how i think.... anyway have a good day. I saw Jon bellion live and i was barricade and he was like talking to me i was LIVING. Also school starts soon for me so tears. I also started doing art and im really happy i did. It's helping me a lot. Now for the saddest update. I relapsed. Like cutting wise and im really upset it was like 260 days. Thats so many i was so close to a year. well, what can you do about it? idk. anyway have a good day and keep commenting and thanks so much for all the kudos.


	11. Never Too Young to Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter i've ever written. Enjoy!! woo. title form transmission by Zedd

Josh wakes up with his alarm. Well, he didn’t really  _ wake up. _ He technically didn’t sleep at all. Like restful sleep. You know when you’re not really asleep but just kind of lying in bed with your eyes closed and it’s semi-restful? Yeah. Well, that’s what Josh did for the whole night. When getting ready for bed he thought that he couldn’t  _ not _ worry about tomorrow. Then tomorrow later turned into today. Today later turned into three hours from now. Three hours from now later turned into one hour from now with his alarm clock signaling that it was time to start getting ready. He slipped out of his room with a towel in hand to go take a shower. He closes the bathroom door behind him and turns on the water. Josh is supposed to take cold showers to preserve his hair color, but he figures that he deserves some warmth after a long night of being stuck inside his cold head. He lets the water warm up while he goes to the sink to brush his teeth. 

 

He barely recognizes himself. Yes, it could be that Josh just changed his hair and is still adjusting, but that isn’t it. Yes, it could be that Josh is tired or the mirror is fogged up, but that isn’t it. The face might be familiar, but his association with it isn’t. Josh can’t help but to feel a little detached from himself. He has been lately. It’s probably just some side effect of his medication. Things like that happen sometimes. Once Josh spits out the toothpaste and rinses his mouth, he gets into the shower. The water burns his skin. It splits it in half, into thirds, into quarters. His irritated skin keeps him awake while the tantalizing steam tries to lull him to sleep. Josh washes his hair and body as fast as he can. He’s afraid if he stays under the water too long he’ll start to think too much. That’s been one of his problems lately. Over analyzing everything. Like the things Tyler does.  _ Okay, Josh. Let’s not get into the topic of Tyler. If we get into that then there’s no getting out. _

 

Josh turns the water off and dries off with a fluffy white towel. He changes into a black heathered tshirt and black skinny jeans with rips in the jeans. Josh quickly checks the weather only to find it’s gonna start to snow soon and it’d cold out. He grabs a black hoodie and a grey beanie on the way out of his bedroom. He doesn’t have enough time to dig up his winter coat right now. He heads straight out of the door. He doesn’t even stop to see if Ashley is behind him or coming. He starts up the car and sits in it for three minutes waiting. Ashley isn’t coming out of the house, so Josh sends her a text.

_ Josh: y aren’t u coming out? We’re gonna be late. _

_ Ash: i’m catching a ride with Jenna go w/o me. _

 

Josh shoves his phone into his pocket and pulls out of the driveway. He heads to school thinking about turning the car around.  _ I don’t really need to go to school, do I? I mean, like being homeschooled is certainly an option. It’s a good option, too.  _

Josh was so absorbed by his own thoughts, that he almost missed the turn to the school parking lot. He found a parking spot far away from the school building and braced himself before getting out. He’s going to have to face everyone sooner or later. Might as well get it over with. Josh pulls on his sweatshirt and beanie before grabbing his backpack to venture out into the one place he’d rather not be. He keeps his head down while walking toward the building. Apparently he kept his head  _ too _ down because right when he was about to walk up the stairs to the school, someone shoved him and he fell. His backpack fell off and Josh could feel people crowding around. He could feel a thousand pairs of eyes on him. They see every angle of him, and Josh doesn’t even have the will to look up. “Watch where you’re going freak. You don’t want them to put you back into the hospital, do you?” Josh looks up to see a Brendon Urie snickering at his own snide comment. Pete Wentz and Spencer Smith smile at each other. Brendon leans in closer to Josh. He drags him up from the front of his sweatshirt. “You know what? I’m not even sure  _ why _ they released you. What’d you do? Fuck some bitchy boy nurse? Huh? Did they release you then? You fucking faggot. I don’t want to see your fucking face ever again.” Brendon pushes Josh back on the ground. Josh scratches his face, which starts to bleed.  He brings his foot back, ready to kick Josh in the stomach. Josh scrambles to get ready to block the kick, but the bell rings indicating that the first class was about to start. Brendon stares into Josh’s eyes. It almost feels like he’s pounding nails into Josh’s skull. “I’ll finish this later.” Brendon kicks some snow into Josh’s face. Everyone hurries to class once the show’s done.

 

Josh remains outside of the school. He pulls himself up onto the first stair and sits down, leaning against the railing. He starts to sob quietly.  _ Why does everyone have to hate me? I didn’t do anything to them. _ Josh touches his forehead, and looks at his now blood-stained hand. He winces at slight pain. “Oh my god, are you okay?” A familiar voice asks while panting softly. Josh looks up teary-eyed to see a bemused Tyler. Josh shudders at the surrounding cold and sudden confrontation. Tyler sits on the stairs with him and looks at Josh, who is staring right ahead. “What happened?” Tyler asks Josh with a careful tone. Josh doesn’t answer but starts to cry softly again. “Josh you can tell me.” Tyler puts a hand on Josh’s knee. The warmth from Tyler’s gloved hand makes Josh feel instantly better. He leans into Tyler’s hand slightly before muttering, “Your shitty friend beat me up.” Tyler looked at Josh shocked. Josh faces Tyler and says blatantly “Why are you friends with such fucked up people, Tyler? You’re such a good person. You don’t need them.” Josh looks into Tyler’s eyes for an answer.

“They’re not that bad once you get to know them. I promise. I’ll introduce you to them properly.” Josh stands up looking askance. Tyler stands up with him, looking worried.

“I don’t want to be  _ introduced _ to those people. They fucking beat me up and make fun of me daily, and you’re  _ backing them up _ ?” Josh scoffs before grabbing his bag and walking up the stairs into the school. 

 

He leaves Tyler in the snow, all alone. The snow rains down on him and he can’t help but to beat himself up for saying that to Josh. Tyler’s definitely going to talk to Brendon about it. I mean, they’re all friends with Josh’s sister, so maybe Brendon will stop. Tyler walks into the building shortly after Josh.

 

%

 

Tyler’s been waiting for lunch since the beginning of the school day. He has everything planned out. At lunch he’s going to ask Brendon about Josh, and then during detention he’s going to tell Josh everything. Yes, Tyler and Josh got detention for being late to first class. Their first class teacher is  _ not _ kidding around. Tyler grabbed his lunch tray consisting of cafeteria pizza, fruit cup,  and a mango snapple and brought it to the usual table he sat at. Sarah and Jenna were already sitting there talking about homecoming. Tyler completely forgot about homecoming. He didn’t even ask Jenna. Tyler decides to chime into the conversation. “So who are you guys going with?” He opens his snapple and takes a sip. Sarah starts to talk about how Brendon came to her house one day over the weekend and brought her cupcakes and balloons. She blushes at the thought of the memory. Jenna and Tyler “aww” at the story. Jenna’s definitely more genuine. 

“I’m going with Pete,” Jenna says. “I know we’re together, Tyler, but I told Pete I’d go with him last year and I got the flu.” Jenna looks at Tyler expecting him to be furious.

“Oh, that’s fine. I don’t think I’m going to go.” Tyler takes a bite of his pizza and chews it slowly. He can’t forget why he’s here. To ask Brendon. As soon as Tyler thinks that, he sees Spencer, Brendon and Pete sit down. Tyler really wants to ask Brendon right away, but thinks it’s smart if he give him a few minutes. “Of course you’re going, Tyler! Don’t worry, Sarah and I will find you a girl!” Sarah perks up at the idea and nods enthusiastically. They start to have their own side conversation about girls they know. 

 

Tyler finds himself looking for Josh. He looks out the window and finds him sitting outside under a large tree. Josh is unwrapping a sandwich and has his earbuds in. He looks so at peace outside by the tree. Tyler can’t help but to think what Josh would look like surrounded by them. The sunshine peaking through the leaves cascading over Josh’s lightly flushed skin. His eyes squinted as he smiles genuinely.  _ Oookay, Tyler. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s time.  _

 

Tyler clears his throat and asks “Hey, Brendon? Can I talk to you about something?” Tyler instantly starts to get anxious. No, he has to stay strong. He has to stay strong for Josh. For Josh.

“Um, yeah sure man.” Brendon stands up before Tyler. Tyler wipes his hands on his pants before getting up and leading Brendon outside, away from where Josh was sitting. 

“So, um, I was walking to school today and I was late so actually I was running and when I got to the stairs I saw someone sitting on them and I asked him what happened and he said you beat him up and I just wanted to know why you’d beat up Josh because he’s actually really nice an–”

“Woah woah woah, slow down, Joseph.” Brendon holds his hands up in front of him like he’s innocent when Tyler knows that he isn’t. Tyler looks at Brendon with his most disapproving look and finally cracks him. “Look, the truth is that he was my friend kind of in middle school. Then he came out as bi and had a huge crush on me. I tried to tell him that I don’t swing that way but he wouldn’t listen to me. So I stopped being his friend. Since then he’s gotten really weird and annoying.” Brendon lays it all out for Tyler and seems a little winded afterward. After Tyler processes everything, he speaks up again.

“Yeah, but that’s no excuse for beating him up. He didn’t do anything to hurt you directly. He was just living his life. Let me reintroduce you guys tomorrow. Please?” Tyler looks at Brendon with puppy dog eyes. They’re nowhere near as powerful as Josh’s, but they do the trick. 

“Ugh! Fine!” Brendon puts his hands up in defeat. “Can we finish lunch now?” Brendon pulls lightly on Tyler’s sleeve, which makes him fliche and cross his arms over his chest. 

“Yeah, sure.” Tyler turns around without even turning to see Brendon’s reaction. 

Tyler’s sure he can change everything for the better. He’s sure? No, he’s  _ certain _ of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Hey hey thanks for sticking around. This is gonna get good, I promise. I'm not at my best like a lot of shitty things happened yesterday and today and i feel like shit and im not eating anything and ughughgugh some ppl really suck okay? hope you like this chapter! leave a comment! thanks for all the kudos guys ur amazing. have a good day :)


	12. Time Well Wasted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enjoy im still here woot. Title from Cage the Elephant's "Telescope" also sorry for typos and shit i dont have time to fix them.

_ Great… My first day back and I’m already in trouble. _ Josh slumps over the desk he was sitting at. Detention started about seven minutes ago and Tyler was nowhere to be seen. Josh is actually kind of mad at Tyler. Like Brendon and his dumbass friends literally  _ beat _ Josh... And Tyler wants to “reintroduce” them?  _ Bullshit. Tyler can leave me the fuck alone if he wants to hang out with those dumbasses. _ Just as Josh starts to get really angry, the door swings open and enters a panting Tyler. His hair is all disheveled and the tip of his nose and cheeks splay a dusty rose tone.  _ Wow Josh… way to point out that “dusty rose tone.” Why am I so gay??  _ Josh lays his head on the desk and closes his eyes. “Mr. Joseph, nice for you to join us.” Mr. Fugard stands remains sitting at his desk. He isn’t known for being the most aggressive teacher. Tyler hands Mr. Fugard his slip and sits next to Josh at the back of the room, staring right at him. Well, Josh can’t tell for sure but he’s pretty sure Tyler is. I mean, it feels like someone is staring at him and sure it could be his medication wearing off and his paranoia kicking in but he doubts hit.  _ Okay I  _ _ need _ _ to calm down. _

 

Meanwhile, Tyler stares at Josh, waiting for Mr. Fugard to put in his headphones and watch whatever on his laptop. Tyler is a little nervous to talk to Josh. Well, nervous excited. He just wants everything to go well. Oh man, can you imagine Tyler and Josh and Brendon and Ashley all just having an amazing time together like on a friday night or something? Brendon would have Sarah and Ashley is trying to get with Spencer so that’ll probably happen soon. And Tyler would have Josh! WAIT… just as friends though. Obviously… Nothing else. Just them hanging out. You know… Mr Fugard finally gets off his ass and starts to blatantly stare at his screen. Tyler moves his desk and chair closer to Josh. Josh’s heart starts to beat faster because of the slight squeak from the moving desk and chair. Josh feels a cold hand on his arm and it shakes him slightly. The sweetest voice Josh has ever heard asks “Josh? C-can I maybe talk to you right now?” Josh considers this for a little but then remembers that Tyler’s hand is still on him. Josh sighs to himself and turns his head to face Tyler. He squints a little bit because of the fluorescent light. Tyler thinks this is the cutest thing ever… Like for some reason. _ I’m not gay tough. It’s just some people can look cute to me, okay? Jeez everyone’s always on my case.I’m not gay! Yeah I think Josh is cute… But I think Jenna is cute, too soo…  _ “Yeah?” Josh looks at Tyler with no emotion. He has a bandaid on his face over his cut he got this morning. “Well, I talked to Brendon and he said he wants to talk to you. Well have me introduce you guys again I guess…” Tyler starts to taper off and Josh decides to sit up. He didn’t realize how close they were sitting  because when he sat up, He was pretty much touching Tyler’s face. Josh jerked back a few inches and coughed. Tyler removed his hand from Josh’s arm and started to turn even redder than before. “Okay that’s fine. Your hands are really cold, Ty.” 

Tyler looks Josh right in the eyes, dead serious “You’ve never called me Ty before.” 

“Oh sorry, I can not do it again if you–”

“No, I like it. It’s cute.” Tyler started to smile to himself. He has a nickname. From Josh. A nickname from Josh. Josh smiles back at him and takes Tyler’s hands. Tyler almost chokes because of how shocked he is. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep them warm until you buy gloves.” Josh say nonchalantly even though he’s actually freaking the fuck out. Josh warms Tyler’s frost covered heart and Tyler cools Josh’s forest fire of a heart. They sit like that making small talk, even past the point where Tyler’s hands are warm enough. 

“How’s basketball?”

“It’s fine. I have a game tomorrow. Not excited.”

“Aw, why?”

“Because the guys are going to celebrate after the game and I can’t come.”

“Why would you celebrate… you guys might lose?”

“Don’t worry, this team is supposed to be absolute trash. We might as well…”

“So celebrating entails..?”

“Booze, weed, chicks… you know…” Tyler kind of  sounds disappointed when he says “chicks”

“You don’t seem like you’d be too into that stuff, Ty.” Josh says enjoying the little reaction he gets from using his new nickname.

“Yeah not really. But you know ‘team bonding’ and all of that.” Tyler looks at Josh, smiling sweetly. God, Josh just loves Tyler’s smile. It’s so fucking beautiful. Like the kind of smile that makes you want to cry or even scream at the world how beautiful it is. Josh wants to only make sure he makes Tyler smile. If he ever hurt him, he wouldn’t know what to do. But the thing is, Tyler is hurting. Josh hasn’t completely forgotten about Tyler cutting himself or any of that, but he seems in a slightly better place that at the beginning of the year and he has no idea why.

“Wait Why can’t you go?”

“I have to babysit…” Tyler  _ always _ babysits for his parents. Like he understands that they’re busy and stuff but he’s missing out on some very ideal high school experiences. 

“Why don’t you go. I can watch them.” Tyler looks at Josh directly in the eye and removes his hands from Josh’s grasp. 

“Josh, I can’t let you do that. That’s way too much to ask.”

“Nope, I insist, Tyler. Go out with your team.”

“Thank you so much, Josh!” Tyler pulls Josh into a hug and rests his head on Josh’s shoulder. “I owe you.” He whispers into Josh’s ear. 

“Okay everyone, you can leave now.” Mr. Fugard doesn’t even look to see if any of the other kids are packing up, he just gets up and leaves. Tyler and Josh gather their stuff. Josh decides that this will be a good way to get to know Tyler a little more. Tyler gives Josh his house key (and makes him  _ swear  _ not to lose it) and then runs off to get ready for his game. Tyler is ecstatic for once to experience what it’s like being a “normal” high school teenager. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo thanks for sticking around peeps. heres a lil something i whipped up (its rly bad and short i apologize with all of my heart) I've been rly stressed with school and shit so thats not fun. Im really fucking sad guys i hate it with a passion but im hoping ill get over being rly fucking depressed soon. Thank you for reading i hope you have a pleasant day.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Hi! Hello! This is my first Fanfic ever! I'm super excited to work on this and I hope you all liked this chapter. Comments on ideas of the story or anything else are always appreciated! Thanks for stopping by :)


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